I just got back on Monday from a month in Shanghai and wanted to share some thoughts from my time there. Unfortunately, it was really difficult this time to access my VPN on my computer, so I wasn’t able to post blogs or even get on the Internet on my laptop during the month. But I kept a journal, so I want to share some of my thoughts in the moment and then reflect on what I am thinking about in retrospect.

On January 18th, I wrote this:

It’s a little embarrassing, so bear with me 😉

Today is January 18^th, I’ve been back in Shanghai almost two weeks. I’m currently coughing and sneezing like crazy, drowning in a pile of tissues, wondering if it’s worth it to buy a mask for the last couple weeks I’ll be here.

Let me give you a really candid look at my time here as I am feeling about it at this point. My friend Erika, who I was so blessed and lucky to meet and live with last fall when I was here for four months, came back to spend two weeks exploring, catching up, revisiting old favorite places, reminiscing on old memories and making new ones. As always, hanging out with her has been beyond fun and I am so grateful for her humor, silliness, honesty, and loyal friendship. I am here this month on two grants from Colby, one from the Global Studies department and one from the Religious Studies department, doing fieldwork research for my senior honors thesis on identity and community formation within the multicultural international church here. It is an amazing and generous opportunity and I feel honored to have been given the money and trust to come back and research this topic.

However, I have never been more ambivalent and unmotivated in my life, and it’s making everything really difficult. If I can’t even be passionate about my own research, how is anyone else going to be interested or see its value? I’ve been wrestling over the past two weeks with the point of all of this, as my laptop’s VPN completely failed (so no basic Internet or email), I started getting sick, my skin started breaking out, and all I’ve been wanting to do is explore with Erika and have fun trying out new restaurants and bars, seeing new parts of the city.

A week before I left for China, I was at Urbana, the InterVarsity missions conference, which among other things, was a powerful reminder of the truth of the gospel; how can I serve the least of these, how can I be more like Jesus, see people as he sees them, grow closer in my relationship with God, truly commit my past, present & future, finances, education, career, family, everything to God?

Those are huge questions, and then I came to Shanghai to learn about a community of people who are doing those things, expecting to feel energized, excited, impassioned, part of the plan. But I feel the opposite, and if I had to take a guess at why, it would be because it has hit me really hard lately that I cannot expect to live through others living out God’s mission and feel fulfillment for myself. I need to seek that out in my own life and say yes, be obedient and immediate and a servant in my own situations as I discern what He has for me next.

This research is interesting and insightful; I can learn a lot about other peoples’ lives and share it with academia at Colby who don’t understand the value and significance of such a unique Christian community. That’s such a blessing and valuable position to have. But the past couple weeks (and the rest of the month I am sure) have been and will continue to be a reminder that I need to devote myself to what matters in the kingdom of heaven, to what God cares about – and it is not anthropological research like this, or whatever I am doing. That doesn’t mean that you can’t glorify God in whatever capacity your work or school puts you in, but it does mean that when you have the choice, don’t choose something like this and expect that by being around people who are glorifying God, you are doing the same.

___________________

Back to the present. I thought that by coming back to China, by seeking out the opportunity to return in a productive way, that God may spark something else in my heart or open a door for me to return to China after graduation, or that somehow it would be easier, that I would enjoy myself and feel more of a connection to people or a pull to come back. But I didn’t experience any of that. I felt like more of an outsider and more conscious of my outsider-ness than ever (among native Chinese, not the expat church community of course) as well as more cynical, less patient and less tolerant than I was last year. I became incredibly aware of my position as a relentless consumer, as I spent so much time consuming – purchasing physical things like food and clothes, drinks, coffee, metro rides, but also intangibly always taking, taking, taking – peoples’ attention and time – and not feeling satisfied, like having so many of the problems I mentioned above and just not feeling like what I was doing was part of anything significant. Everything was so self-centered. Even my prayers and thoughts were so centered around myself, praying for patience and tolerance toward people, for peace about my Chinese identity, peace about the future.

I realized last month that I do not need to search for any part of my significance, identity or community in China, which is what I’ve been doing for a long time. There is very little part of me that ever belonged here – a month of my infancy, nine months in my birthmom, and last year abroad plus this past January. This doesn’t mean that I’ll never come back to China; I do now have a ten year multiple entry tourist visa and friends and family here, so I’m sure I’ll visit again. But it is always going to be super difficult for me and as I look toward the future and pray and think about how I can be a part of kingdom work, I want it to be fun and enjoyable too. Committing my future work and life to Christ will certainly involve personal sacrifice, as he tells us all to take up our crosses, deny ourselves, flee youthful passions & desires and follow him. But life with God should also be beautifully adventurous, joyful, fun, and in a place where we feel loved and valued.

I have so many amazing role models, friends and mentors in my life who are living examples of what it is to commit your life to seeking Christ and his kingdom and I want to thank them, tell them how much I appreciate them, and let them know I’m looking for the same things. Much of this was a personal reflection for me to think through thoughts that came up last month, but if you’re a gracious reader who has made it this far, I want to encourage you as well to think about how what you are doing (your work) and how you identify yourself (culturally, communally, spiritually, etc). is grounded. So that if you are wandering and searching and wavering a little like me, that you can really focus yourself on the most important questions that I was reminded of at Urbana: how can I serve the least of these, how can I be more like Jesus, see people as he sees them, grow closer in my relationship with God, truly commit my past, present & future, finances, education, career, family, everything to God?

Happy Saturday! Thank you for reading & love you all!

It’s often funny to realize how long it takes us to appreciate and give thanks for things. I look back on Thanksgiving 2014 during my fall semester in Shanghai, and laugh because it was simultaneously so hilariously beautiful and bleak; I spent the morning making mashed potatoes and undercooked eggplant drowned in soy sauce with my roommate Erika, before rushing to class. After a regular school day, we decided the potatoes and eggplant were a little lame, so we celebrated the holiday with nachos and Coronas at a little gem of a Mexican restaurant downtown. The mashed potatoes were clearly so good that we forgot we had leftovers in the fridge until we pulled out an unrecognizable bowl of pink fuzz about a month later, while cleaning out the fridge at the end of the semester. This was the community I had in Shanghai – Erika, a few friends in the apartment upstairs, and a cell group of other international students that I met through church. It was amazing and beautiful, but so short-lived and fleeting, definitely not always as appreciated as it should have been. All I could think about a year ago was how much I missed Thanksgiving being what I was used to, the delicious array of home-cooked turkey, stuffing, pies, endless feasting, family and friends, a warm fire, my comfortable home.

I have been prompted lately to reflect a lot on fellowship, community, and what life together as followers of Christ means and looks like, in light of a couple things.

One, I am working on a senior thesis this year, tying in abroad experiences from last year as well as themes and thoughts that have ran through my life and my mind for as long as I can remember. Broadly, it’s about international, expatriate Christians in Shanghai; how these people navigate the search for spiritual and cultural identity, home and belonging in such a huge, metropolitan, global city, within such a multicultural, multiethnic, multi-denominational Christian community. How do these people find and create fellowship? What does Christian fellowship mean at its core?

Secondly, as I’ve been back from China for over five months now, I’ve been basking every day at Colby in comfort, fellowship, community, fun and friendship that I thank God for every day. I missed it so much last year.

I’ve also been reading Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, an absolutely beautiful and gripping reflection on how we as Christians are truly given the gift of fellowship because of Christ and how it is founded upon our righteousness through Christ and our identity in Christ. There is a difference between human and spiritual love, human love being relative, “directed to the other person for his own sake,” but spiritual love being “where Christ tells me to maintain fellowship for the sake of love, I will maintain it … because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother” (35).

There are going to be disagreements, strife and misunderstandings between Christians in fellowship, because we are humans with imperfect hearts and selfish desires. When we spend time together in transparency, openness and vulnerability, there is bound to be hurt, pain and arguments in conjunction with deeper understanding and fellowship. But those conflicts cannot and should not ever overpower the spiritual love that binds us in Christ, because then human selfishness and evil desire or whatever is not of God wins. The only love that we should pursue is love of Christ, as Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Because God first loved us enough to sacrifice his son in order to give us life, because of God’s love and this incredible, unfathomable, unimaginable love alone, we as Christ-followers absolutely must love one another, must love the Christian community that we have been gifted with. And the first step is realizing that it truly, truly is a gift. This fellowship will look different at different seasons in our lives. As I’m learning through the lives of Shanghai Christians and as I have experienced personally, cultural, language, ethnic, and social barriers can make it extremely difficult to connect with and love your Christian community. However, loving others is the closest thing we can do as humans to reflect the image of God, both to our brothers and sisters in Christ and to the rest of the world that has yet to know him.

I have been blessed beyond what I deserve or ever could imagine, but I have also been broken and hurt. I understand how hard it is to love those who have hurt and rejected you. But my prayer for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, at Colby and worldwide, is that we will truly love each other purely in reflection of our gratitude to God, our righteousness through Christ, and our calling and mission as disciples. I pray that we will reconcile and forgive any misunderstandings or disagreements that divide us, and that looking forward, we will only strive to unselfishly serve and reflect Christ in what we do.

We shouldn’t wait until things are good or long after things have passed to thank God. Love and gratitude are really closely intertwined and they need to be like as much a part of us as the food and water that sustain us daily. Thank God right now for your imperfect Christian community.

I’ll end with another quote from Life Together:

How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if  on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ. (29)

Thank you all for reading! Love and blessings to the fellowship I have been so abundantly, undeservedly blessed with.

It’s been a month since I got home from China. In the past few weeks, I’ve eased smoothly and comfortably back into life in sleepy Pennington, NJ. It’s been such a smooth transition that actually it’s been hard to think back on my time in China. Once the week or so of jetlag passed, it all could’ve been a dream. It’s only when I really force myself to reflect or when I find myself in situations that trigger memories that I am reminded of my time there at all. Like when I’m at Starbucks ordering a vanilla latte of course I’m reminded of my daily afternoons at the Kunming Starbucks on Renmin Zhong Lu, where lattes cost over $5 and the best drink on the menu was probably the Green Tea Latte. It was such a sad waste of money, really not much to miss there.

Last weekend, I spent a little over 24 hours in Boston, where I saw my wonderful friend and partner in adventure from Shanghai, Erika, and my cousins Kathy and Anna. I’m feeling very happy, full and grateful for friendships that transcend countries and can pick up right where they left off. In Boston I thought a lot about China though. Maybe it was the not-quite authentic dim sum that Erika and I chatted over in Chinatown, riding the T around the city like I rode the metro around back in Shanghai, or just the urban atmosphere in general that triggered memories.

Last week, I also started reading a book called Race Matters by Cornel West, written in 1993, but probably one of the most relevant and timely books you could read right now, given the current state of race relations in the US and around the world. I would highly recommend it. It gives light to issues extremely relevant to not only black Americans but people of all other races, by posing really sharp insights and questions into American “democratic” systems, perceptions, power structures, leadership, education, etc.

I think a lot about how much I complained when I was in China. The air, the pushy people, the garbage, cigarette smoke, the spitting – my mantra was endless. In my last few months, especially, I struggled every day with these things and the cultural disconnect I felt from the people. But I come back to America and my heart is broken for the country I grew up in and the nation I call my home, the place I couldn’t wait to return to. Although people may appear more clean-cut and refined, they don’t push you over to get where they need to go (literally I fell over once getting on a bus in Shanghai), they don’t smoke in your face or ask you flat out where you’re from, hatred, intolerance, racism, socioeconomic disparity, loss of hope and purpose, broken people and broken systems – these are worldwide conditions that just like love and friendship, also transcend cultures and places.

I thought a lot about my identity while in China. If people weren’t questioning it for me, I was questioning it for myself. Was I American? Chinese? Both? How did my cultural and spiritual identity align? Why did people care so much about where I was from and how I spoke and why did I care so much that they cared? To be completely transparent, I couldn’t wait to return to a place and be around people who would reinforce my American identity. I didn’t want to have anything to do with any part of whatever little Chinese identity I had. I wasn’t like these people and didn’t want to be. It’s selfish and it takes me back to discussions in a Caribbean Cultures anthropology class that I took during the fall of sophomore year. Some of us, because we are wealthy and privileged, go between cultures and places with an outsider identity; we are never truly a part of them, but instead take the role of a spectator, a tourist, one who will never truly understand the daily plights and struggles of the people we come into contact with as we visit new places. I’ve always had a fear of being that tourist, but I’ve come to realize that part of the glamour of travel (or even studying abroad) is that you are an outsider, you are removed, you get to experience the fun and the excitement of the culture without the monotony or the difficulty. And when that image is taken from you, when you are seen as just another person walking the streets, fighting your way onto the bus, bartering for food, you get that authentic treatment whether you want it or not. Would we travel as a hobby or want to “experience” different cultures if we weren’t seen or treated as a tourist? Hopefully. But the fun and glamour certainly wouldn’t be there.

One of the hardest things about being in China was that I was often seen and treated as an insider but didn’t have any more of a grasp or understanding of the culture and social norms than any other tourist. So I learned quickly that if you’re in a place where other people are going to determine your social identity, take hold of what other parts of your identity you can control and work with those! Your faith, who you truly, truly are in the eyes of the One who created you and the people who love you, those things cannot be changed by the way a society or anyone else sees you. Seeing so much hatred and racism and hopelessness seeping throughout American society in just the past few months makes it more clear to me than ever that an epidemic of hatred, racism, hopelessness, ignorance, brokenness, and more deeply, a crisis of identity, really plagues our society. Find the beauty instead of ugliness in difference, combat hatred and racism and intolerance with love and truth, remind yourself every day who you are and what is important!

I am trying to make this connection between personal identity and social change because I think my daily identity struggle in China and the way that I dealt with it really cultivated within me more of a love and appreciation for humanity as a whole and for peoples’ differences. I know this may be too idealistic, to think that thinking about personal identity differently can change people and a society. I might look back on this later and roll my eyes and wonder what I was thinking. But for now, I am an idealist, and I truly believe that if you work on your own identity, thoughts, beliefs and values, then you will be able to love others different from you more deeply. Race really is a social construct; we can really work toward lasting social change; we can truly love people who are different from us; we can find a common humanity before resorting to hatred or violence should ever cross our minds.

So, a month back from China, I am replacing my mantra of complaints toward China with a mantra of love for China. It’s still in progress. Because I had (and still have) a lot of hatred and scorn toward rude and judgmental people I met on the streets. And the way that individual ignorance can create a culture of ignorance. It’s not like working on your own identity is easy, especially when everyone around you is making it really difficult for you. But, removed a few thousand miles from the situation, I am able to remind myself who I am and because of that, I can develop a renewed love for the Chinese people. It’s because firstly, I am a child of God, and a follower of Jesus, so my actions, thoughts and words must be compelled by love, not hatred, not a defense of my cultural identity, not my own selfish pride.

China is still the most populous country in the world, Mandarin is still by far the most widely spoken language, the Chinese government still restricts and persecutes Christians, socioeconomic and racial disparities are still harsh as ever and urban poverty is an epidemic. More people live in Shanghai than like the top five most populated US cities combined. Lots of Chinese people I met were incredibly kind and gracious to me, and I will miss my friends there. The culture and lifestyle of China’s megacities intrigued and excited me. I will also never forget the humility and beauty of China’s rural villages. I may never live there again, but a part of who I am will always be Chinese. So I don’t really think my personal Chinese/American identity crisis and whatever hard feelings toward Chinese people I met really have a place anymore. It’s not like I’m in a place right now to really change these incredibly huge social and spiritual issues plaguing our world today. But I continue to believe that anyone can be an agent of change no matter where you are or what situation you’re in. There’s always hope.

So I hope that this little piece of my story enlightens and empowers you and that you in turn use your own influence to love others, love yourself, and create change. Even if it’s just changing the way you think about your own identity or those who are different from you. Reaching out to some different people. Trying something new, going to a new place, reading Race Matters. Or acting differently as a tourist on your vacations. It’s all important stuff.

There is definitely some sort of internal pride, an ego boost that you get as a foreigner when you’re in a country where you can more or less successfully navigate the language barrier. Of course no matter how fluent you are, there are always frustrating and/or awkward moments. But still, it should be a good feeling to know enough of a language to get around. I experienced that in Mexico for sure when I was like, yeah I’m not from here but I can speak your language (more or less haha). In China lots of my American classmates get surprised gasps, gaping mouths or wide-eyed looks when they fluently order their 鸡蛋拉面 or barter at the weekend markets.

Somewhere deeply rooted in my ego is this selfishness and envy that has really become apparent lately. See, I’ve been working just as hard at learning the language as my classmates but I never get those awestruck stares or compliments or special attention when I order food or hop in a cab. With confusion and curiosity at best I get asked “Where are you from?” and at worst I get scoffed at with disdain and completely ignored because why can’t I speak clearly enough or push through enough people to get service? I look just like everyone else but I don’t act like everyone else and I certainly can’t speak like everyone else. That is so weird to many people here.

Moments like these continually and to a somewhat concerning degree frustrate me. On one hand, it’s refreshing to blend in with the crowds and avoid stares or “hellos” on the street. I can go where I want and do what I want with generally little attention or disturbance. On the other hand, people generally have no tolerance or patience when I stumble over words trying to buy something, when I pronounce a word wrong or make a mistake ordering food. People commonly ask if I’m Korean which is tempting to reply “yes” to in order to spare trying to explain myself in Chinese. I still haven’t figured out a good way to really get across that I was born in China but adopted as a baby so am now fully American. It’s different than 美籍华人 (Chinese American) because when I say that I always get asked where in China my family is from. Sometimes I just say “Jiangxi” and move on with my day.

It’s okay and it’s daily a completely grounding and humbling experience to be this misunderstood. It’s also very frustrating and draining. It makes me reflect on that pridefulness and selfishness inside me that says “I want to be praised for knowing the Chinese that I do” or “I want to be given the lenience, patience, attention and respect that other Americans are given.” This is not to say that I haven’t met Chinese people who treat me with kindness and respect, because I most definitely have. And I am not at all saying that other foreigners have it easy in China because they certainly do not. However, difficulties in the way they may be perceived are very different than those I experience even though our cultural background may actually be very similar.

I remind myself every day who I am and what is important in life. And that it’s definitely not me and my self-image. It’s hard to be away from those who love you and understand you. But it’s also times like this where you can really discover what parts of your identity you may cling to that aren’t that important. Like how you are perceived by random people. Sometimes we spend so much of our lives wondering where we fit in or how we want to look to the world that we neglect a lot of more important things going on around us. Like in China, there are so many people who are invisible and neglected in society, by their own people, in a much harsher and crueler way than I am or ever will be. For example, migrant workers, who move to cities for work but are rejected by employers or landlords as they seek jobs and apartments, because of their hukou and social and economic status.

As I’m writing this, I think I’m speaking to myself more than anyone else. But if you also find yourself in a season where you feel misunderstood and underappreciated or frustrated with the way others perceive you, think about some of these reflections! Know your value and worth and look past it to see what other things you may be unintentionally blinding yourself to as you spend your time thinking about yourself.

“Haiti changed me. My heart, my worldview, my thoughts, my passions and desires. It’s where I developed a vision for international development, poverty alleviation, sustainable and equitable business, and creative solutions to environmental and social injustices. Seeing the beauty and joy and incredibly unique and awe-inspiring Haitian landscape, people and culture strengthened my faith and opened my eyes to God’s plan for the world and for my life.”

This is the classic response I give whenever anyone asks me about my short-term mission trip experiences. And there’s nothing necessarily wrong or untrue about it. But right at a time in my life when I find myself lodged into monotonous patterns and routines of college life, going through the motions, struggling to live with daily passion, vision and purpose, a good friend and mentor asked me to reflect on my three trips to Haiti and write a blog post for my home church about my experiences and reflections. I thought about it a lot, and almost wrote an extended version of the few sentences above until I realized how cliché, fake, and shallow that would be. Instead, I really challenged myself to deeply reflect on the true significance of Haiti to my daily life two years after my last trip, the ways that I allow these experiences to permeate my everyday decision making, and the ways that I continue to walk in ignorance and neglect for the place and people that I claim to have been so moved by.

I’ve been to Haiti three times, beginning in March 2009 and spanning my high school career. I came face to face with extreme poverty for the first time, and I will never forget how much the sight of tin and mud makeshift huts, barefooted kids with tattered t-shirts, infants with brassy, red hair (a sign of iron deficiency), and people openly defecating on the roadside, broke me and moved me. Despite these searing memories that replay in my mind often, I continue to find myself living and mindlessly participating in avaricious, prideful, selfish cycles of materialism, apathy, separation and indifference to the constant struggles and battles of the poor and oppressed around the world. As much as my worldly perspective has broadened and softened and my eyes have been truly opened to unimaginable poverty, these realizations mean nothing if they fail to penetrate my heart and transform my everyday life. I realize that the only way that we can ever truly dream of change and empowerment for Haitians or people anywhere is if we change the way that we live our daily lives in the comfort of our own homes. The stories, faces, and sights that we see and experience in Haiti or any other developing country will remain nothing more than poverty tourism or toxic charity if we don’t allow them to change how we treat the poor in our own community, the way that we handle our money, the way that we approach our job or schoolwork, or the way that we see and treat other peoples and cultures different from us. I believe that God does use experiences like short term mission trips to break us, mold us, change us and inspire us, but we have to remember that the discomfort, life changing realizations, and harsh realities we see are not meant to only last a week and then fade in the midst of the comforts, routines, and busyness of everyday life. The change, challenge and discomfort should be ongoing, continual and tangible even as we pass between cultures, places, national boundaries, economic strata, and in a sense, realities.

I encourage all readers to take this moment to reflect on God’s call, purpose and commands for your life, and how His Word in the midst of the experiences you face tangibly takes root and is lived out daily. Whether you have had the opportunity to participate on a short-term mission trip or not, ask God what it truly means to be poor in spirit or to go out and make disciples or to be the light of the world in 21st century America. And if you have been on mission trips to Haiti or other nations, ask God how to keep these people close to your heart even as you are physically separate. Pray for them, thank God for your experiences, ask him to soften, shape, and open your heart in order to mold your actions so that you can truly live out Christ’s message of love, grace, and redemption here on earth.

* image: Joao Baptista, “Saint-Pierre Church, Haiti,” from Haiti Sketchbook 2012/13