I spent the past four years studying “globalization.” My major was literally “Global Studies.” What a vague, complex, loaded term. I spent so much time analyzing forces of the past and present, unpacking history, anthropology, political and economic theory, the rise and fall of empires, etc. from various critical perspectives. I was so enthralled and consumed in a world of thought that was encompassed within classroom discussions, lecture halls and spaces of the Colby campus. In these discussions and lectures, I was given all the tools I needed to sit mired in thought for the rest of my life on these complex issues. The problem is that throughout the process, I rarely glimpsed effective models of the capacity, creativity, innovation, ingenuity and whatever else was needed to actually move forward on these issues. I emerged from my undergrad education slightly disillusioned, discouraged, trapped and confused about my power(lessness) to be, much less create in this postmodern, neoliberal world that we inhabit.

I think daily about these very complex, multifaceted issues. On one hand, they are these floating forces – neoliberalism, globalization, the marketplace of ideas, consumerism, etc – ideas, concepts, theories and case studies “out there.” On the other hand, they are not abstract forces but personal realities because they manifest themselves in our daily lives – in our wandering searches for identity and validation, our insecurities, our individual and corporate materialism and consumerism, our sense of failure and powerlessness, and our difficulty in grounding ourselves because of disintegrating moral, ethical and value systems. I know this all sounds vague and strange, but I want to talk a little about how I think these immensely abstract concepts are so much more than what is happening “over there” or to “those people” or sort of floating out in the distance, but instead, concrete things taking place in our minds and hearts.

These concepts materialize themselves in tangible and potentially destructive and invasive ways in our everyday lives. As an emerging college graduate anxious to join the workforce, they tell me that I am only as good as how much money I make; that my job and productivity defines my personal self-worth and my place as a global citizen; that life is a competition that I will always lose (and must fight for) because there are too many people and not enough roles for all of them; that my external appearance or my stuff determines how I am received by people; and that I need to spend money to be “modern” and in-step with the new global fads in order to be relevant.

Why doesn’t our society value qualities like introspection, compassion, humility, empathy and love? Or why doesn’t it recognize the various ways in which these qualities are expressed among different people? Or if a small corner of society does recognize these things, where do I find these people? Presence and voice is so much more than words and power. When will people begin to unpack these abstract forces like neoliberalism and globalization and come to realize that they have colonized the way that we think and act toward other people? They have changed the way companies look at employees and the qualities that are valued in the workplace. Let me be clear – I am certainly not saying that globalization as a whole is evil and that we need to fight it or anything. I am delighted that health, living standards, the status of women, the spread of information, the exposure of unethical business practices, etc., are increasing and becoming more and more visible. I feel I could not survive without the technological progress that has been made in my lifetime. Interconnectedness and speed is all I have ever known. I would say, however, that overall, globalization is negatively impacting value systems in the sense that in many instances, it has reduced the value of human life to productivity and efficiency. Ideals of beauty, rest, emotional intelligence, humility, and quality conversation do not seem valuable in so many social circles.

Let me propose a way to counteract the dehumanizing aspects of our global marketplace of stuff and ideas. The problem is that we can only learn so much and reach so many conclusions from reflecting on and critically analyzing the past and present. We can’t stop at the reflection; we need to innovate, create and discover different ways and solutions. And that’s where my college education ended, I guess, and threw me out into the real world to figure out. I’m not sure how it is going to look, but I am sure that there are people out there actively rediscovering and asserting their agency and creativity. I know many and am eager to know more.

As Christians, we will always struggle to understand and interpret realities of this world in light of our Christian faith. I think that one of the best ways we can combat the dehumanizing forces of racism, neoliberalism, social injustice, violence, war, etc., is to firstly, discover a vision for ourselves in our world that aligns with God’s, and secondly, take daily, measureable steps to live out that vision in the circles we inhabit. Of course, fully understanding God’s vision for the world is impossible for our human minds; people spend their entire lives dedicated to imagining, studying and writing about what this looks like. However, if you do declare yourself a Christian, than know the fundamentals of who Jesus was and what he proclaimed. There are some things that are inarguable, like God’s heart for the poor and marginalized, the sick, children, women, the lost, and the oppressed. Or God’s use of sinful, physically, emotionally and spiritually broken people to share his good news of freedom and salvation. Or the reality that the Christian life will not be easy, that it is a daily walk, that it is a process of growth and renewal, that it transforms our daily thoughts, decisions and actions. Or that God has a beautiful plan for the renewal of his creation. Now, what exactly these truths look like in your life will be different than how they look in the lives of other members of your church. But knowing and understanding some of these things should both convict us as Christians, and inspire us to innovation and action. Our confidence and hope can combat the depressing, downward spiraling image of society that is often communicated through the work and discussions of secular scholars and academics.

To liberal arts educators and students: As we think, dialogue and collaborate, let’s also create and innovate and support others who are. To the American church: Let’s seek to understand so that we can move toward God’s wholeness and not get stuck in earthly depravity (like my college degree). Let’s remember that God is the beginning and the end, not us and not our worldly systems. Let’s remember that we are God’s ambassadors to the world and there is no time to waste. Let’s also remember to do everything humbly, lovingly, compassionately and gently.

Lord, have mercy on us.

I have two weeks left in Thailand and finished working at my last market with Mina yesterday, so this is a blog post of reflection on both my short time with CLF and my somewhat longer time with Asia. While I certainly have a lot to reflect on in my work with CLF, any experiences, concerns, or critiques pale somewhat in light of my very distinct “Asian experience” here in Thailand, as I’m going to call it, and as I want to focus on in this post. Thank you to the friends who have listened, comforted, questioned, and helped me wrestle with these issues, both in Bangkok and around the world.

I constantly wrestle with my place in the world, as I think all people should. For some of us it was never an option; our identity in different spaces and places is constantly questioned and we are forced to examine, grapple with and fight for who we are vs. what the world may say we are. For some of us this struggle started the day we were born, for others, it didn’t start until we left home and started traveling the world, for others of us, it won’t start until we confront it ourselves. In terms of my story, I have now spent a total of about 13 months between China and Thailand, which granted, is not very long, although it feels like an eternity. Throughout this time, I have wrestled with how to walk humbly and gently but also hold my own, stand by my values and stay true to who I am. I know that sounds cliché, but in Asia, I feel like I disappear, like my personality, culture, thoughts, vivacity, passions and excitements melt away and congeal with the millions of other Asian faces around me under the invisible yet suffocating cloud of thoughts, expectations, worldviews, thousands of years of rich history and deeply embedded cultural practices and norms that are either native or western-imposed and have been internalized. I lose who I am and struggle to remember what validates me, that it is not how I look, what I wear, eat, do or say. I lose myself trying to act like all these people around me who look like me and expect me to be one of them.

The way that I feel suppressed by Asian cultural norms and standards deeply affects how I perceive Asian people. I touched on this in my last blog post, but it is very difficult for me to build empathy for people (even those who are kind, in great need, lost or hurting) when they are ignorant, close-minded or racist toward me. Like there is a man selling fruit who stands on the street running perpendicular to mine who says “ni hao” and “xie xie” to me every time I pass by. Not because he asked me where I was from and I told him I was born in China, but because of how my eyes look and because he thought he knew best. Or the taxi driver who took me to immigration when I needed a visa extension was first like “oh, I know where Chinatown is,” to which I responded with “oh cool, I don’t!” Lol. Foreigners at the bi-weekly upscale farmer’s market that I help Mina with normally address me with a classic Thai greeting and then when I respond with perfect English, often ask me where I am from (this is good!) or remark “wow, your English is so good!” or “wow, you sound like you have an American accent!” (this is not good) to which of course I politely respond with “oh, I am American and English is my first language too, thanks!” because they are Mina’s customers and again, they don’t know better. Who would say that if they knew better?

This is not a healthy place for me to be, to be harboring deep resentment and bitterness toward people who see and think that they know, to people who make assumptions and don’t question them, to people who hold their world views, norms and standards, and stomp all over the world with them, to people who look at a face and think that they know where that person is from and that that somehow reflects the story that they tell, the opinions and ideas that they hold, the soul that they are. I’m talking about Americans, Europeans, Thais, Africans, Haitians, myself, my friends, anyone and everyone. I often leave interactions shouldering a deep burden of anger and resentment toward stereotype, racism and ignorance from both Thais and foreigners. It’s unhealthy because these are such broad, complex, suppressive themes manifested in ways I didn’t even know they could be realized, from specific people, but from so many different encounters, that it has morphed from bitterness toward racist fruit vendors or taxi drivers into a deep disappointment and sadness with the human race, and I often feel paralyzed in these feelings and unable to move forward or change anything.

At the fancy grocery store that I sometimes go to for its salad bar, the cashiers always pull up this chart on the screen with a list of “nationalities” before they check you out. Likely it’s to cater their products toward who is buying what, a simple (but racist) marketing strategy. The thing is that they always ask me about it in Thai, which I don’t understand, so they respond by checking the generic “Asia” box for me and moving on. For a white person, I don’t know how they would decide if your nationality was “Europe” or “Americas” (they’re all grouped into one, which is messed up). It’s simultaneously fascinating and infuriating. So the other day I was like “oh, I’m actually American, why do you ask this?” to which I received a shy but firm smile and a gesture of the hand for the next customer, that communicated basically exactly what I’ve been trying to get at in this lengthy monologue. There is no conversation, no curiosity, no interest, no tug on a conscience, no stirrings toward anything different.

Here is one of the rare times in my life when I am not given what I think I deserve or expect to receive. Experiencing the racism that I have experienced, which is mild compared to what many others before me and around me have experienced and will experience, is jolting and numbing because it tells you that no, you are not who you hold yourself to be; you are who others tell you to be, and you can’t do anything about it. I struggle to move forward in an optimistic and healthy way, but I know that I have power to do so. The thing with racism and ignorance is that often the most intelligent, kind, loving, godly people are blind to it, which is why its cycle can be so deeply vicious and pervasive. When you recognize it, whether it is from others or yourself, start conversations. Question it internally and externally, ask others about their stories, experiences, opinions, thoughts and journeys.

While I am not a classically beautiful woman by Asian standards, I am deeply angered by the older white men who look me up and down or who strut around with young Thai girls on their arms, likely thinking that they own these women and the world. Deeply destructive and embedded cycles of colonialism, objectification and exotification of Asian women, etc. are quite real yet unrealized today. Why are you considered an expat and not an immigrant? Or an immigrant and not an expat? If you’ve never thought about that before, start thinking! Recognize your own place on the terrible but very real hierarchy of humanity that peoples, nations, empires have created over the years, and question the structure. If you are white and you have never had to discover or question your Caucasian identity or the way you interact with people of color and other whites, DO IT NOW. Walking the world as a white man gives you benefits, but none of us deserve to be entitled to anything. That is privilege, and most people don’t have it. If you find yourself privileged enough to travel and be shown respect, then in return, show kindness, generosity and curiosity toward others and their cultures, all the time reexamining your privilege.

I hope I’ve enlightened, encouraged, and/or challenged you with this reflection: to read more, ask more questions, build more awareness, and then do something with it. Thanks for reading! And thank you most of all to the people I’ve had in every walk of life who question the status quo and challenge me to do the same.

*image: artist Ch’ng Kiah Kiean, “Xuantianshangdi Temple, Bangkok” 

I’m scared at how selfish and angry I’ve become about things that involve me and how apathetic and ambivalent I’ve become toward things that affect others. I am so often angry about the wrong things, about selfish, self-fulfilling, perceived injustices against me – someone addresses me with confusion or impatience – and because my confidence in various aspects of my identity is fragile right now, suddenly I’m slighted, hurt and frustrated – in what I’ve come to realize is a self-gratifying and distracting way. My identity crisis is a source of deep pain that wells up and consumes me at various times in ways that yes, can sometimes be productive to my growth and self-discovery. However, in my current situation where I want MORE THAN EVER to develop relationships with people, to be culturally open-minded, respectful, kind, appropriate and sensitive, the Asian identity crisis issue that overwhelms me completely blinds my heart, mind and attention from the lives and needs of the Thai people around me and turns me inward, into a self-consumed, fragile, upset and angry person. It’s unnatural and it’s deeply destructive, not only internally, but in the way that I perceive and interact with my world. I lose respect, fascination, desire to learn about, tolerance, acceptance, whatever … for not only that person who was disrespectful to me … but for all people who I perceive may treat me the same way. As I talk about slights toward my identity here, I can barely say that throughout my lifetime I’ve experienced racism or discrimination, especially as an Asian American growing up in a wealthy, privileged home, whose life is woven into the narrative of injustice and oppression against Blacks, Latinos, other Asians, etc. in my country; however, I have experienced interesting tensions and threads of racism in my Asia experiences that I can say are different from what white people experience in Asia. My story is different, and I want to reflect on it, not in a way that should be judged as “right” or “wrong” but more like something that should be read as an outpouring of my experiences, feelings and reflections with the intent to leave you thinking about the issues more deeply.

From the place of whatever racism or discrimination I’ve experienced that I’m speaking from, I want to describe what comes out on the other side. This may get confusing, so bear with me. As the person being discriminated against or looked at strangely or differently, the way you perceive your world is affected, and it can even deepen the cycle of racism (both against you and imposed by you upon others), because you can both be racist and experience racism. You can both face and deliver injustice. Your worldview as an oppressed person who has been discriminated against can also be narrow (this can be related or unrelated to the racism that you’ve experienced) and cause you to discriminate against others. Accountability for ignorance and racism gets really tough here because is it more excusable when you have suffered yourself and you are close-minded toward others? Should that be “tolerated” or “allowed”? For example, when I was in Haiti, a nation that has suffered years of abuse, exploitation, and racism at the hands of America and other “western” nations, kids pulled at their eyes, made karate moves and unintelligible noises when they saw me, an Asian girl, because their worldview is small and difference is strange to them. I’m not black or white, so I’m weird. Do I let that go because these are people who have been deeply oppressed, hurt and discriminated against themselves? In that situation, it hurt me, but yeah, I let it go. Another very different yet timely thread of this same point is seen in Dallas and Baton Rouge as a couple black people have retaliated in anger and hurt against white police officers. It’s a different analogy for the same issue – injustice is EXTREMELY COMPLEX and double-edged.

When a Thai person mockingly yells “ni hao” at me from the back of a motorcycle, someone addresses me impatiently in Chinese after I don’t understand their rapidfire Thai, a taxi driver doesn’t believe me when I tell him I’m American, do I smile graciously and accept it because these are probably tired, hardworking people who may have experienced a life of poverty or exploitation themselves? What do I do when I am confronted with open racism in a setting where I am supposed to be cultivating a love and cultural appreciation for the people? It messes with me. On a good day, if I’ve had a relaxing morning, am sipping an iced coffee, just talked to my parents or something, I smile and brush it off like the well-intentioned, generally happy, forgiving, patient person that I normally am. On an average day, I am slighted and my worldview is contaminated. My perception of Thai people is bruised and clouded and I’m hurt. On bad, bad days I get angry and start cursing on my bike or cutting people off as I navigate through the market. I turn inward to face the ugly identity struggle that still plagues me so much (this gets real here, so prepare yourself) – “I am not Asian, I am American, but no one will ever understand me; everyone in Asia will forever see me as a chubby, weird Chinese girl who doesn’t get social cues, the language or anything. Why does everyone ask me where I am from when they don’t really care and won’t believe my answer anyway? I don’t want to be identified as Chinese, but I’m not proud of being American right now. So who am I? What am I doing here? Am I just overreacting? Will anyone ever understand me?” – this is very bluntly the way that I assume I am perceived by other Asians and my subsequent flood of thoughts. Because the way I carry myself is American but I look Asian, I am SO WEIRD. I feel like I stand out for a mile; when I open my mouth, everyone in a ten foot radius turns to look at me, so I mumble something barely intelligible (even if it was in the right language) and continue on with what has become a shitty day.

So I ask myself daily, hourly, how my journey to Thailand – where I wanted to engage with Thai culture, refugees, women and children and families whose lives have been much more difficult and painful than mine – strong, brave people who are recreating their futures – has become an angry, frustrated identity crisis. Why does everything become about myself and a perceived stab at my identity? Can it be any better or different? Can I ever live in Asia and feel okay? Can I ever identify as Chinese and take pride in that part of who I am (whatever small part it is) because that is the way the world sees and will continue to see me?

As I look at our world and specifically the current unfolding American narrative, I wonder if oppressed people who have been discriminated against can ever forgive and unpack their resentment, defensiveness and anger toward their oppressors in a way that doesn’t freeze their lives or either create overpowering fear or violent retaliation. I have very mildly experienced the other side of some version of racism and some days it freezes me, some days it makes me wildly angry, some days I just want to sit on the sidewalk and cry out of bitterness and confusion. The overwhelming question in my life right now is how do we move forward? From perceived (or real) slights, stereotypes and oppressors, to respect, understanding (or at least curiosity and willingness to TRY and understand), patience, tolerance, etc. toward people groups who may contain a certain person here or there who may misunderstand or discriminate against us. I am speaking about my experience in Thailand right now, not the experience of Blacks in America, where many more than “a certain person here or there” will misunderstand and discriminate. Is it possible for the rest of my time here? Would it ever be possible? What do I grab on to moving forward to get me to this place that right now seems morally unattainable? I just don’t think I’m at this level of tolerance and kindness yet. I’m not THAT NICE, people. If I feel mistreated or hurt by another person, just like a three year old, my instinct (that I still can’t break away from) is to (maybe not openly but in my mind) hate this person, be overwhelmed by bitterness and resentment, struggle to see their good qualities or any excuses, etc. It is blinding and I am suddenly less appreciative of kindness, patience, and grace that I receive from others. It is actually debilitating and endlessly frustrating that I am STILL SO BOTHERED by the same identity crisis that has been plaguing me for years now. I love traveling and seeing the world, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized more and more how I often I feel weird and misunderstood in my identity when I leave America. I have experienced confusion about my Chinese identity in America as well, but when I travel, it is a given. I brace myself at ANY interaction to be asked where I am from, or if I’m in Asia, why I don’t speak the language and how can I be from America.

As my Thailand experience has already been clouded and there is no looking back, only moving forward, I MUST get to a better place. I probably am not going to experience Thailand as the “land of smiles” that it’s fondly known as in the western world, because frankly, about an even amount of people are rude to me as are kind to me, but can I still come to a place where I can appreciate the beautiful aspects of the culture and people? The friends of CLF? I think so, but my goal in writing this is to be real and honest, not falsely optimistic.

I just got back on Monday from a month in Shanghai and wanted to share some thoughts from my time there. Unfortunately, it was really difficult this time to access my VPN on my computer, so I wasn’t able to post blogs or even get on the Internet on my laptop during the month. But I kept a journal, so I want to share some of my thoughts in the moment and then reflect on what I am thinking about in retrospect.

On January 18th, I wrote this:

It’s a little embarrassing, so bear with me 😉

Today is January 18^th, I’ve been back in Shanghai almost two weeks. I’m currently coughing and sneezing like crazy, drowning in a pile of tissues, wondering if it’s worth it to buy a mask for the last couple weeks I’ll be here.

Let me give you a really candid look at my time here as I am feeling about it at this point. My friend Erika, who I was so blessed and lucky to meet and live with last fall when I was here for four months, came back to spend two weeks exploring, catching up, revisiting old favorite places, reminiscing on old memories and making new ones. As always, hanging out with her has been beyond fun and I am so grateful for her humor, silliness, honesty, and loyal friendship. I am here this month on two grants from Colby, one from the Global Studies department and one from the Religious Studies department, doing fieldwork research for my senior honors thesis on identity and community formation within the multicultural international church here. It is an amazing and generous opportunity and I feel honored to have been given the money and trust to come back and research this topic.

However, I have never been more ambivalent and unmotivated in my life, and it’s making everything really difficult. If I can’t even be passionate about my own research, how is anyone else going to be interested or see its value? I’ve been wrestling over the past two weeks with the point of all of this, as my laptop’s VPN completely failed (so no basic Internet or email), I started getting sick, my skin started breaking out, and all I’ve been wanting to do is explore with Erika and have fun trying out new restaurants and bars, seeing new parts of the city.

A week before I left for China, I was at Urbana, the InterVarsity missions conference, which among other things, was a powerful reminder of the truth of the gospel; how can I serve the least of these, how can I be more like Jesus, see people as he sees them, grow closer in my relationship with God, truly commit my past, present & future, finances, education, career, family, everything to God?

Those are huge questions, and then I came to Shanghai to learn about a community of people who are doing those things, expecting to feel energized, excited, impassioned, part of the plan. But I feel the opposite, and if I had to take a guess at why, it would be because it has hit me really hard lately that I cannot expect to live through others living out God’s mission and feel fulfillment for myself. I need to seek that out in my own life and say yes, be obedient and immediate and a servant in my own situations as I discern what He has for me next.

This research is interesting and insightful; I can learn a lot about other peoples’ lives and share it with academia at Colby who don’t understand the value and significance of such a unique Christian community. That’s such a blessing and valuable position to have. But the past couple weeks (and the rest of the month I am sure) have been and will continue to be a reminder that I need to devote myself to what matters in the kingdom of heaven, to what God cares about – and it is not anthropological research like this, or whatever I am doing. That doesn’t mean that you can’t glorify God in whatever capacity your work or school puts you in, but it does mean that when you have the choice, don’t choose something like this and expect that by being around people who are glorifying God, you are doing the same.

___________________

Back to the present. I thought that by coming back to China, by seeking out the opportunity to return in a productive way, that God may spark something else in my heart or open a door for me to return to China after graduation, or that somehow it would be easier, that I would enjoy myself and feel more of a connection to people or a pull to come back. But I didn’t experience any of that. I felt like more of an outsider and more conscious of my outsider-ness than ever (among native Chinese, not the expat church community of course) as well as more cynical, less patient and less tolerant than I was last year. I became incredibly aware of my position as a relentless consumer, as I spent so much time consuming – purchasing physical things like food and clothes, drinks, coffee, metro rides, but also intangibly always taking, taking, taking – peoples’ attention and time – and not feeling satisfied, like having so many of the problems I mentioned above and just not feeling like what I was doing was part of anything significant. Everything was so self-centered. Even my prayers and thoughts were so centered around myself, praying for patience and tolerance toward people, for peace about my Chinese identity, peace about the future.

I realized last month that I do not need to search for any part of my significance, identity or community in China, which is what I’ve been doing for a long time. There is very little part of me that ever belonged here – a month of my infancy, nine months in my birthmom, and last year abroad plus this past January. This doesn’t mean that I’ll never come back to China; I do now have a ten year multiple entry tourist visa and friends and family here, so I’m sure I’ll visit again. But it is always going to be super difficult for me and as I look toward the future and pray and think about how I can be a part of kingdom work, I want it to be fun and enjoyable too. Committing my future work and life to Christ will certainly involve personal sacrifice, as he tells us all to take up our crosses, deny ourselves, flee youthful passions & desires and follow him. But life with God should also be beautifully adventurous, joyful, fun, and in a place where we feel loved and valued.

I have so many amazing role models, friends and mentors in my life who are living examples of what it is to commit your life to seeking Christ and his kingdom and I want to thank them, tell them how much I appreciate them, and let them know I’m looking for the same things. Much of this was a personal reflection for me to think through thoughts that came up last month, but if you’re a gracious reader who has made it this far, I want to encourage you as well to think about how what you are doing (your work) and how you identify yourself (culturally, communally, spiritually, etc). is grounded. So that if you are wandering and searching and wavering a little like me, that you can really focus yourself on the most important questions that I was reminded of at Urbana: how can I serve the least of these, how can I be more like Jesus, see people as he sees them, grow closer in my relationship with God, truly commit my past, present & future, finances, education, career, family, everything to God?

Happy Saturday! Thank you for reading & love you all!

It’s often funny to realize how long it takes us to appreciate and give thanks for things. I look back on Thanksgiving 2014 during my fall semester in Shanghai, and laugh because it was simultaneously so hilariously beautiful and bleak; I spent the morning making mashed potatoes and undercooked eggplant drowned in soy sauce with my roommate Erika, before rushing to class. After a regular school day, we decided the potatoes and eggplant were a little lame, so we celebrated the holiday with nachos and Coronas at a little gem of a Mexican restaurant downtown. The mashed potatoes were clearly so good that we forgot we had leftovers in the fridge until we pulled out an unrecognizable bowl of pink fuzz about a month later, while cleaning out the fridge at the end of the semester. This was the community I had in Shanghai – Erika, a few friends in the apartment upstairs, and a cell group of other international students that I met through church. It was amazing and beautiful, but so short-lived and fleeting, definitely not always as appreciated as it should have been. All I could think about a year ago was how much I missed Thanksgiving being what I was used to, the delicious array of home-cooked turkey, stuffing, pies, endless feasting, family and friends, a warm fire, my comfortable home.

I have been prompted lately to reflect a lot on fellowship, community, and what life together as followers of Christ means and looks like, in light of a couple things.

One, I am working on a senior thesis this year, tying in abroad experiences from last year as well as themes and thoughts that have ran through my life and my mind for as long as I can remember. Broadly, it’s about international, expatriate Christians in Shanghai; how these people navigate the search for spiritual and cultural identity, home and belonging in such a huge, metropolitan, global city, within such a multicultural, multiethnic, multi-denominational Christian community. How do these people find and create fellowship? What does Christian fellowship mean at its core?

Secondly, as I’ve been back from China for over five months now, I’ve been basking every day at Colby in comfort, fellowship, community, fun and friendship that I thank God for every day. I missed it so much last year.

I’ve also been reading Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, an absolutely beautiful and gripping reflection on how we as Christians are truly given the gift of fellowship because of Christ and how it is founded upon our righteousness through Christ and our identity in Christ. There is a difference between human and spiritual love, human love being relative, “directed to the other person for his own sake,” but spiritual love being “where Christ tells me to maintain fellowship for the sake of love, I will maintain it … because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother” (35).

There are going to be disagreements, strife and misunderstandings between Christians in fellowship, because we are humans with imperfect hearts and selfish desires. When we spend time together in transparency, openness and vulnerability, there is bound to be hurt, pain and arguments in conjunction with deeper understanding and fellowship. But those conflicts cannot and should not ever overpower the spiritual love that binds us in Christ, because then human selfishness and evil desire or whatever is not of God wins. The only love that we should pursue is love of Christ, as Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Because God first loved us enough to sacrifice his son in order to give us life, because of God’s love and this incredible, unfathomable, unimaginable love alone, we as Christ-followers absolutely must love one another, must love the Christian community that we have been gifted with. And the first step is realizing that it truly, truly is a gift. This fellowship will look different at different seasons in our lives. As I’m learning through the lives of Shanghai Christians and as I have experienced personally, cultural, language, ethnic, and social barriers can make it extremely difficult to connect with and love your Christian community. However, loving others is the closest thing we can do as humans to reflect the image of God, both to our brothers and sisters in Christ and to the rest of the world that has yet to know him.

I have been blessed beyond what I deserve or ever could imagine, but I have also been broken and hurt. I understand how hard it is to love those who have hurt and rejected you. But my prayer for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, at Colby and worldwide, is that we will truly love each other purely in reflection of our gratitude to God, our righteousness through Christ, and our calling and mission as disciples. I pray that we will reconcile and forgive any misunderstandings or disagreements that divide us, and that looking forward, we will only strive to unselfishly serve and reflect Christ in what we do.

We shouldn’t wait until things are good or long after things have passed to thank God. Love and gratitude are really closely intertwined and they need to be like as much a part of us as the food and water that sustain us daily. Thank God right now for your imperfect Christian community.

I’ll end with another quote from Life Together:

How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if  on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ. (29)

Thank you all for reading! Love and blessings to the fellowship I have been so abundantly, undeservedly blessed with.

It’s been a month since I got home from China. In the past few weeks, I’ve eased smoothly and comfortably back into life in sleepy Pennington, NJ. It’s been such a smooth transition that actually it’s been hard to think back on my time in China. Once the week or so of jetlag passed, it all could’ve been a dream. It’s only when I really force myself to reflect or when I find myself in situations that trigger memories that I am reminded of my time there at all. Like when I’m at Starbucks ordering a vanilla latte of course I’m reminded of my daily afternoons at the Kunming Starbucks on Renmin Zhong Lu, where lattes cost over $5 and the best drink on the menu was probably the Green Tea Latte. It was such a sad waste of money, really not much to miss there.

Last weekend, I spent a little over 24 hours in Boston, where I saw my wonderful friend and partner in adventure from Shanghai, Erika, and my cousins Kathy and Anna. I’m feeling very happy, full and grateful for friendships that transcend countries and can pick up right where they left off. In Boston I thought a lot about China though. Maybe it was the not-quite authentic dim sum that Erika and I chatted over in Chinatown, riding the T around the city like I rode the metro around back in Shanghai, or just the urban atmosphere in general that triggered memories.

Last week, I also started reading a book called Race Matters by Cornel West, written in 1993, but probably one of the most relevant and timely books you could read right now, given the current state of race relations in the US and around the world. I would highly recommend it. It gives light to issues extremely relevant to not only black Americans but people of all other races, by posing really sharp insights and questions into American “democratic” systems, perceptions, power structures, leadership, education, etc.

I think a lot about how much I complained when I was in China. The air, the pushy people, the garbage, cigarette smoke, the spitting – my mantra was endless. In my last few months, especially, I struggled every day with these things and the cultural disconnect I felt from the people. But I come back to America and my heart is broken for the country I grew up in and the nation I call my home, the place I couldn’t wait to return to. Although people may appear more clean-cut and refined, they don’t push you over to get where they need to go (literally I fell over once getting on a bus in Shanghai), they don’t smoke in your face or ask you flat out where you’re from, hatred, intolerance, racism, socioeconomic disparity, loss of hope and purpose, broken people and broken systems – these are worldwide conditions that just like love and friendship, also transcend cultures and places.

I thought a lot about my identity while in China. If people weren’t questioning it for me, I was questioning it for myself. Was I American? Chinese? Both? How did my cultural and spiritual identity align? Why did people care so much about where I was from and how I spoke and why did I care so much that they cared? To be completely transparent, I couldn’t wait to return to a place and be around people who would reinforce my American identity. I didn’t want to have anything to do with any part of whatever little Chinese identity I had. I wasn’t like these people and didn’t want to be. It’s selfish and it takes me back to discussions in a Caribbean Cultures anthropology class that I took during the fall of sophomore year. Some of us, because we are wealthy and privileged, go between cultures and places with an outsider identity; we are never truly a part of them, but instead take the role of a spectator, a tourist, one who will never truly understand the daily plights and struggles of the people we come into contact with as we visit new places. I’ve always had a fear of being that tourist, but I’ve come to realize that part of the glamour of travel (or even studying abroad) is that you are an outsider, you are removed, you get to experience the fun and the excitement of the culture without the monotony or the difficulty. And when that image is taken from you, when you are seen as just another person walking the streets, fighting your way onto the bus, bartering for food, you get that authentic treatment whether you want it or not. Would we travel as a hobby or want to “experience” different cultures if we weren’t seen or treated as a tourist? Hopefully. But the fun and glamour certainly wouldn’t be there.

One of the hardest things about being in China was that I was often seen and treated as an insider but didn’t have any more of a grasp or understanding of the culture and social norms than any other tourist. So I learned quickly that if you’re in a place where other people are going to determine your social identity, take hold of what other parts of your identity you can control and work with those! Your faith, who you truly, truly are in the eyes of the One who created you and the people who love you, those things cannot be changed by the way a society or anyone else sees you. Seeing so much hatred and racism and hopelessness seeping throughout American society in just the past few months makes it more clear to me than ever that an epidemic of hatred, racism, hopelessness, ignorance, brokenness, and more deeply, a crisis of identity, really plagues our society. Find the beauty instead of ugliness in difference, combat hatred and racism and intolerance with love and truth, remind yourself every day who you are and what is important!

I am trying to make this connection between personal identity and social change because I think my daily identity struggle in China and the way that I dealt with it really cultivated within me more of a love and appreciation for humanity as a whole and for peoples’ differences. I know this may be too idealistic, to think that thinking about personal identity differently can change people and a society. I might look back on this later and roll my eyes and wonder what I was thinking. But for now, I am an idealist, and I truly believe that if you work on your own identity, thoughts, beliefs and values, then you will be able to love others different from you more deeply. Race really is a social construct; we can really work toward lasting social change; we can truly love people who are different from us; we can find a common humanity before resorting to hatred or violence should ever cross our minds.

So, a month back from China, I am replacing my mantra of complaints toward China with a mantra of love for China. It’s still in progress. Because I had (and still have) a lot of hatred and scorn toward rude and judgmental people I met on the streets. And the way that individual ignorance can create a culture of ignorance. It’s not like working on your own identity is easy, especially when everyone around you is making it really difficult for you. But, removed a few thousand miles from the situation, I am able to remind myself who I am and because of that, I can develop a renewed love for the Chinese people. It’s because firstly, I am a child of God, and a follower of Jesus, so my actions, thoughts and words must be compelled by love, not hatred, not a defense of my cultural identity, not my own selfish pride.

China is still the most populous country in the world, Mandarin is still by far the most widely spoken language, the Chinese government still restricts and persecutes Christians, socioeconomic and racial disparities are still harsh as ever and urban poverty is an epidemic. More people live in Shanghai than like the top five most populated US cities combined. Lots of Chinese people I met were incredibly kind and gracious to me, and I will miss my friends there. The culture and lifestyle of China’s megacities intrigued and excited me. I will also never forget the humility and beauty of China’s rural villages. I may never live there again, but a part of who I am will always be Chinese. So I don’t really think my personal Chinese/American identity crisis and whatever hard feelings toward Chinese people I met really have a place anymore. It’s not like I’m in a place right now to really change these incredibly huge social and spiritual issues plaguing our world today. But I continue to believe that anyone can be an agent of change no matter where you are or what situation you’re in. There’s always hope.

So I hope that this little piece of my story enlightens and empowers you and that you in turn use your own influence to love others, love yourself, and create change. Even if it’s just changing the way you think about your own identity or those who are different from you. Reaching out to some different people. Trying something new, going to a new place, reading Race Matters. Or acting differently as a tourist on your vacations. It’s all important stuff.

There is definitely some sort of internal pride, an ego boost that you get as a foreigner when you’re in a country where you can more or less successfully navigate the language barrier. Of course no matter how fluent you are, there are always frustrating and/or awkward moments. But still, it should be a good feeling to know enough of a language to get around. I experienced that in Mexico for sure when I was like, yeah I’m not from here but I can speak your language (more or less haha). In China lots of my American classmates get surprised gasps, gaping mouths or wide-eyed looks when they fluently order their 鸡蛋拉面 or barter at the weekend markets.

Somewhere deeply rooted in my ego is this selfishness and envy that has really become apparent lately. See, I’ve been working just as hard at learning the language as my classmates but I never get those awestruck stares or compliments or special attention when I order food or hop in a cab. With confusion and curiosity at best I get asked “Where are you from?” and at worst I get scoffed at with disdain and completely ignored because why can’t I speak clearly enough or push through enough people to get service? I look just like everyone else but I don’t act like everyone else and I certainly can’t speak like everyone else. That is so weird to many people here.

Moments like these continually and to a somewhat concerning degree frustrate me. On one hand, it’s refreshing to blend in with the crowds and avoid stares or “hellos” on the street. I can go where I want and do what I want with generally little attention or disturbance. On the other hand, people generally have no tolerance or patience when I stumble over words trying to buy something, when I pronounce a word wrong or make a mistake ordering food. People commonly ask if I’m Korean which is tempting to reply “yes” to in order to spare trying to explain myself in Chinese. I still haven’t figured out a good way to really get across that I was born in China but adopted as a baby so am now fully American. It’s different than 美籍华人 (Chinese American) because when I say that I always get asked where in China my family is from. Sometimes I just say “Jiangxi” and move on with my day.

It’s okay and it’s daily a completely grounding and humbling experience to be this misunderstood. It’s also very frustrating and draining. It makes me reflect on that pridefulness and selfishness inside me that says “I want to be praised for knowing the Chinese that I do” or “I want to be given the lenience, patience, attention and respect that other Americans are given.” This is not to say that I haven’t met Chinese people who treat me with kindness and respect, because I most definitely have. And I am not at all saying that other foreigners have it easy in China because they certainly do not. However, difficulties in the way they may be perceived are very different than those I experience even though our cultural background may actually be very similar.

I remind myself every day who I am and what is important in life. And that it’s definitely not me and my self-image. It’s hard to be away from those who love you and understand you. But it’s also times like this where you can really discover what parts of your identity you may cling to that aren’t that important. Like how you are perceived by random people. Sometimes we spend so much of our lives wondering where we fit in or how we want to look to the world that we neglect a lot of more important things going on around us. Like in China, there are so many people who are invisible and neglected in society, by their own people, in a much harsher and crueler way than I am or ever will be. For example, migrant workers, who move to cities for work but are rejected by employers or landlords as they seek jobs and apartments, because of their hukou and social and economic status.

As I’m writing this, I think I’m speaking to myself more than anyone else. But if you also find yourself in a season where you feel misunderstood and underappreciated or frustrated with the way others perceive you, think about some of these reflections! Know your value and worth and look past it to see what other things you may be unintentionally blinding yourself to as you spend your time thinking about yourself.